When you feel lost in your own skin...

A Year ago today (Oct 2nd) the love of my life got down on one knee and asked me to marry him. It was the most amazing moment in my life I was so happy I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep it was the perfect kind of happiness. I had been waiting for this moment pretty much since the moment I met him...

This moment saved my life in many ways, I was healing from one of the most difficult seasons of life that I had ever experienced I was battling many demons such as depression, anxiety and this feeling of lost I had never experienced before.. After 6 months of planning (mostly on my own because my then Fiance had a demanding work schedule) I got to walk down the isle to Razzle Dazzle Rose as I had been dreaming for the past 3 years...This was an amazing day 6 months ago.

But now here I am having to accept the fact that I am still wounded. I was abused (verbally) at my job and that left me seriously broken. People have told me its time to move on...and I simply cant. I cant go into my job without being terrified my boss is going to scream at me and humiliate me. I cant go into walmart without a fear that everyone around me is judging me. This is who I am now... sad scared and wounded....but thats OK. 

When you get into a car wreck you don't heal in one day..You can sue the driver of the car all you want but that wont fix the wounds. People say that Time will Heal wounds and Time is different for all. Sometimes when exciting things happen for people around me whom I love, I get this sensation of jealousy and a self loathing thinking "why cant I do something like that, Why am I still here? Why don't I feel good enough. Truth be told I haven't felt "good enough" since the day I left The Preschool, sat at a coffee shop and mourned for myself....I then had to proceed to a bachalorette party pretending that I was ok...I haven't been ok since those moments happened. People have shown me love, but something in me wont let me see it.

I feel broken..and thats who I am for now....It doesn't have to be for ever...but I am broken and my wounds are healing. I hope soon I can get past this...That I can simply be happy for people...that I can believe in myself again...but I know that will take time.. I am done rushing myself.  I want to want to help people and love them..but this sadness. 

The Best advice I can give to someone going through something similar...enjoy the little things. I know everyone says it....but it really is the best thing. Some forms of sadness go hour by hour.. don't believe that you are waisting those hours but instead breath in the moments as they are and take what you learn from them and move on to the next hour. Accept who you are but also accept that life can change in an instant and a moment could make you a different person....just breathe and you will see tomorrow..

I see Tomorrow.
xOxO
Nica